Saturday, January 21, 2012

A Love Letter to Wells Fargo (an Immodest Proposal)

My Dearest Wells Fargo,

There is something I have to admit to you. It's a little embarrassing and I hope you won't think I'm a big dork after I tell you this. Wells Fargo, I think I love you.

I've been obsessed with you for quite awhile now. I've scoured your facebook page and your website, stared longingly into your big, beautiful plate-glass windows and dreamed of your stagecoach sweeping us both away to some distant tropical isle, perhaps the Cayman Islands where 19 of your foreign subsidiaries are located. I even looked up your by-laws on the internet (I know, that stuff is personal and I probably shouldn't have, but like I said, I'm obsessed...I can't help it).

I have to admit, some of my obsession has to do with your money. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a gold-digger or anything, but how could I not be impressed when I saw that, despite making $37 billion in profits in 2009 and 2010, you still managed to finagle a $2.5 billion tax refund! Rich and clever too, how could I not be impressed? And then, after taking over $166 billion in bail-out money from Congress and the Federal Reserve, you still had the nerve to pay your CEO $5.6 million in cash and $13 million in stock! You've obviously got some huge balls to go along with that giant wad you're sitting on. Be still my heart!

Now, I know there's been a lot of talk about how you've been screwing people left and right (taxpayers, your customers) but I don't believe a word of it. Such a distinguished and upstanding corporation like yourself (not to mention handsome) couldn't possibly be involved in such impropriety. And that's why I'm going to just go ahead and do it...Wells Fargo, I'm asking you to marry me!

After all, you're 160 years old, don't you think it's time you finally settled down? Granted, I'm quite a bit younger, but who says a May-December romance can't work? Just look at Ashton and Demi or Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. I know what you're probably thinking, "Occupy Bozeman isn't even a corporate person, how can we possibly get married?" Well, I'm filing my articles of incorporation on Tuesday and paying extra to have the Secretary of State expedite them, so no worries! Soon I'll be a corporate-person just like you and then we can get corporate-married! I can hardly wait!

I look forward to hearing your response. We've had our differences in the past, but you know what they say: "opposites attract!" I can almost hear the Justice of the Peace now, pronouncing us "Corporate Husband and Limited-Liability Wife." What a blissful day it shall be!

Love and Kisses,
Occupy Bozeman

No comments: